Ryan sits on the couch attempting to play an electric guitar - without an amp or a pick. John is at the computer watching Marilyn Manson videos and reading about odd theories. Shiloe and I sit curled up on the couch. My head is lazily in his lap, he's playing with my hair. I stare intensely at the TV screen as I play Silent Hill 2, and he makes odd random comments about how twitching bodies freak him out. And the main topic of conversation in the room is alien abduction, the matrix being a reality, and time travel.

It hit me tonight that not only are my friends and I a bunch of nerds, but we act like a bunch of fucking stoners. Shit, we were even talking about how it's a shame none of us smoke weed anymore, because the pot filled atmoshphere would have completed the overall feel of random nerdy laziness.

So, um, yeah.

By the way, have I mentioned that I'm a seriously confused and screwed up little monkey? I can't figure out what the hell I'm doing as far as my romantic life goes.

As I've written, I'm dating Michael. As I haven't written, I'm starting to believe that Shiloe, one of my dearest friends, should be more than just a friend. And don't even make me start talking about why I want to live in my fantasy world in the computer.

So, yeah. The Michael thing. Things are getting hot and heavy. Too much so, I fear. I can't help that I am seriously, strongly attracted to that man. But it's the kind of attraction that feels like starting a new, exciting adventure. Today we went out rock climbing (his passion), and then spent the rest of the time trying not to tempt ourselves into having sex. And believe me, it's damn hard not to. I'm also fearing that he is getting far too attached too quickly. He says he's afraid he's going to scare me off... I tell him not to worry... But honestly, it is scaring me.

And today he asked me if I was dating anyone besides him. I didn't really know how to answer. And wouldn't you know it, not one minute after that conversation, Shiloe called me to see if I wanted to hang out. And the really twisted part is instead of taking me home after we were done hanging out, Michael offered to take me straight to Shiloe instead of taking me home and making Shiloe come out to get me.

So, yeah. The rest of my night went pretty much the way I wrote about first. The Shiloe thing confuses me so greatly. There's definitely something there. He feels it as well, I'm positive. But I'm afraid it needs to wait... It's not the right time for us to be more than friends. But it's strange... Being around him makes me feel so comfortable and at home. I don't know how else to explain it. But I strongly believe I need to stop feeling that way.

Yep. It's time for me to crawl into my computer. I'm happy and safe there.

before - after