A few weeks ago, I was staying the night at my friend Sara's house. My friends Jimmy and Donny were going to a rave and tried to get me to go with them, but I passed. Later that night, they came back to Sara's to visit. With them, they brought a guy. My first thought was, "Ooh, cute boy." Then I realized he looked strangely familiar. We got to talking, and he was trying to figure out how he knew me. His name didn't help. Neither did mine for him. Finally, he asked me if I used to go online a lot. I found this question weird. A lot of people go online. But I told him yes, I did, as Riobabe. He then jumped up and pointed at me and exclaimed, "You're Sam's ex girlfriend! Oh, man, I'm Josh. Remember me? Sam's best friend? We used to talk online. I would send you a message on ICQ and you would always forget who I was..." This totally rung a bell. I mean, I hadn't talked to him online in quite some time, and hadn't seen him in four years, but his face was still much the same. He wasn't a scrawny 15 year-old anymore, though. He was now a strapping young man with gorgeous blue eyes and a cute smile. We got to talking, exchanged numbers, all that.

A few nights later I invited Josh over to Sara's again to hang out. Turns out he lives just right down the street in another apartment complex. He came over. My friend Diana -- Who, never, ever approves of any guys I date or am interested in -- kept poking me telling me he was cute and was hitting on me. This was strange to me. I invited him over as an old friend, and I realized that he was quite cute and, yes, he was flirting heavily with me. Before Diana left she made me promise to get a kiss. I rolled my eyes thinking it would never happen. But, to make a long story short, I did get a kiss by the end of the night. Quite a wonderful kiss. And a nice massage and, well, lots of fooling around. So, we started seeing each other. Things were getting serious too fast. We were going out to lots of places together. He was visiting me at work. I was going with him to watch him spin sets. Needless to say, we were sleeping together. Then, one night, we had a talk. We decided to slow things down. He told me he thought we should stop having sex, and he wanted to take me out on some real dates. I offered to go home that night, but he still wanted me to stay over. So, when we went to bed, it was awkward. He was spooning me, arms around me. Then the talking started. We talked for a couple hours about how much we liked each other, but that we were both afraid of how fast it was. But it felt right. We were comfortable with each other.

But things did slow down. Way down. To a screeching halt.

The next night, we went to a rave that his friends were spinning at. And he got to spin at the afterparty later that night (or, I should say, early morning). This was the last night we really spent together where we were openly somewhat of an item. That was over three weeks ago. We still talk to each other on the phone. Usually not for very long. When he calls me it's only to tell me that he is going to bed. I don't understand that one... And when we see each other it's like we're friends who just heavily flirt. But when I ask him if he just wants to be friends, he says no. He tells me he likes me a lot, but is so busy right now that he doesn't want to start a relationship and put me on the back burner. True, he is busy. And I respect that. He works long hours, and on his time off is either spending time with his 1 1/2 year-old daughter or spinning the music he loves.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I decide to meet up with my friends Nicolai and Shiloe at the Sick & Twisted Festival that was being held downtown. They kept meeting people they knew, and I was feeling silly that I wasn't. Then, I turned around to look at the line behind me and recognized two faces. They were two guys I used to hang out with in high school. The random person I am, I walked up to them to say hi. I exclaimed, "Hey, it's Erik and Clint!" Erik recognized me, but Clint didn't. This kind of hurt my feelings, seeing as I had a crush on Clint back in high school. We got to talking, and Erik and I were trying to make Clint remember me. He felt bad that he couldn't. Then, Tyson met up with them. Tyson was also from the same group back in the day, and he definitely remembered me. He used to hit on me all the time. Things haven't changed. Having not seen these guys in four years, we had a lot of catching up to do. Tyson and Erik and I were talking about old times, but poor Clint still could not remember. He asked for my number and put it in his phone, telling me that way he would definitely remember me.

So, I saw more people I knew that night. Sam came with Derek, Bryce, and Kenny. My friends Erin and Jesse showed up. This random guy named Robert that I've been seeing everywhere lately was there (I saw him at Krispy Kreme, then at a goth club, and then again at the festival). Everybody went into the big theater. My main group was in one long row. Behind us was Sam and his friends, plus my friends Erin and Jesse. I was looking around the theater for the guys I knew in high school, and I saw Clint walking around. I called him over, and he sat down and we chatted for ten or fifteen minutes. He then went back down to his group. Right before the show started, Josh called me. He seemed hurt that he wasn't invited. He told me Sam was there, and I told him I knew, that he was sitting right behind me. He then told me he was just going to bed because there was nothing better to do, and that he would call me tomorrow after he got off work at 5.

After the films were over, I went on the hunt to find a ride home. I was dropped off by my roommate (who was now surely in bed), and my main group was in one very full car. Sam and his friends said they couldn't do it. Clint overheard me saying I was looking for a ride home, so he volunteered. I felt bad, seeing as I hadn't seen him in four years and he didn't even remember me. So, Clint, Tyson, Erik and all their friends asked me if I wanted to hang out before having to go home, and I said I was up for anything. The three guys and I ended up going to Denny's. Clint insisted on paying for my food. In the parking lot the subject of Josh came up and I mentioned he spins. Clint said, "Oh you shouldn't--" and then stopped. I asked him what he was going to say, and he continued with, "I started to tell you that you shouldn't date DJs... But I have two turntables at home." After the food we met up with everyone else and watched Sick & Twisted videos, and then Hackers. I love Hackers. It's one of my favorite movies. I've also been in love with Matthew Lillard for years. But I had to curb my Matt Lillard comments. Oh, yeah, I haven't mentioned yet that Clint looks strikingly like the actor. He used to, and still does. My friends even mentioned it to him. He apparently hears it all the time. While watching Hackers, Clint and I got to talking. He told me I stole his heart, and had become a member of the group when he asked me if I liked Army Of Darkness, and I told him of course, Ash kicks ass. We talked more about movies, and he told me there were a ton he wanted to take me to see.

On the way home, we talked a lot more. Flirting was happening. He told me that he was sorry he didn't remember me from high school and felt really bad, but that he thought I was a cool chick to hang out with now. Earlier in the night, when we were at Denny's, he and Tyson were talking about seeing Punch Drunk Love. Tyson hated it, Clint loved it. I mentioned that I wanted to see it, because I like both PT Anderson films and Adam Sandler. Clint told me he would take me to see it some time. So, as he was driving me home he said we should definitely do that.

So, yesterday, my mother and I came up here to my grandparents to have dinner. I was sharing my boy issues with them, and as I set my plate on the table I asked, "So, who's going to call me first tonight? Josh or Clint?" I barely sat down when my phone rang. It was... drum roll please... Clint. He wanted to know what I was doing later that night. I told him nothing. He asked if I wanted to see 8 Mile, and I said sure, but I was in Rocklin and I'd either have to talk someone into taking me back down to Sacramento or someone would have to pick me up. He said he would be happy to. He and Erik came to pick my up. My mother embarrassed me when I introduced the guys to them. She said, "Oh, I knew who was who because Tiffany's right, you do look like Matt Lillard." It's like, whooo, great mom, let him know I was talking about him...

We left, and met up with Tyson and two of his friends at Java City. Then, we went to the theater. We got in for free because Tyson and his friend work there. Free popcorn and soda, too, yay. During the movie, I was sitting next to Clint. We were making comments about the film and poking and flirting all throughout. He seemed like a nervous boy taking a girl to see a movie, and I thought it was absolutely cute. Towards the end of the movie he finally got the nerve up and put his arm around me. More nervous cuteness. After the film, Tyson and I went out to go smoke. He asked me what I thought of Clint, and I told him I liked him. I also confessed to having a crush on him in high school, which Tyson didn't know. He then told me I should totally call Clint because he was nervous about calling me and inviting me that night. I have problems calling guys because I don't want to call too much. Like, with Josh, I always do the calling. He only seems to call me to tell me he's going to bed for the night.

We left, and went to Denny's. Clint again insisted on buying me food. After, he took me back to my grandparents. We had an awkward moment in the car as I was getting out. One of those, "Should a kiss be involved" moments, you know? He started to give me his phone number, but I reminded me that he called me on my cell phone from his earlier, so I had it. He then told me that he had a break between work and school for a few hours and that I should call him and maybe we could go out for a bite to eat. I told him I would. We said goodnight, he left. End of night.

So, he got off work at 2:30. It's now 3:00. Should I call... Sigh... I don't know.

Two guys who come back into my life after four years. I knew them at the exact same time. And now they're back. And now I'm conflicted. Josh and I have shared some very intimate moments, and we connected deeply. But the us that was coming into the picture has disappeared. And Clint is a crush from long ago that is now very interested in me. What to do?

Ugh.

I'll stop rambling now. That felt good to write down.

before - after