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03.12.04 . 2:37 am
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I am in such a low right now. As far as I'm aware, I'm not bi-polar. I'm depressed, but that's it. Yet I find myself in the deepest darker low. The highs are few and far between anymore. When I drag myself out to be with my friends, I can put on my smile and have fun. But even then there are the times that I just feel like crawling under a rock.
Last night, for example. I'm with all my friends, we're having a good time. But towards the end of the night, I find myself sitting on a couch with Rob. And on the other couch, are my friends Pat and Liz. Everyone else is in another world, playing video games. And Rob and I find ourselves being voyeurs. Trying to ignore, but can't help but watch as our two friends sit in their happiness, cuddling, fondling. And it kills me. And I find it so funny that Rob and I were sitting on that couch together watching. Out of everyone I know, he's probably the only one who could have any idea how I'm feeling inside. And I'm so miserable. So in love, but so lonely and lost at the same time. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm stuck between two existences. In one, I'm in England with Paul and Dylan. And I'm happy there. And in the other, I'm here in Sacramento being a normal 20 year old with my friends and family. And in some ways, I'm happy here as well. But I yearn for both. I know I can't have both. But I need it so badly. I don't even quite know how to express it. I don't know who I am anymore. And now I'm just feeling completely alone and crying. Mood: DepressedWearing: Pyjamas Listening To: The Cure Thinking: I need to hear from Paul... Wishing: It was easier... |